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How I am converted in Islam
by Aminah Assilmi
This American lady, a former radical feminist and Southern Baptist from
Oklahoma, studied the Quran, Sahih Muslim and fifteen other books on
Islam in an attempt to convert the Arabs in her college class to
Christianity and "save those poor ignorant heathens from the fires of
hell." But guess what happened!
The Introduction and Decision
I was completing a degree in Recreation, when I met my first Muslims.
It was the first year that we had been able to pre-register by computer.
I pre-registered and went to Oklahoma to take care of some family
business. The business took longer than expected, so I returned to
school two weeks into the semester (too late to drop a course).
I wasn't worried about catching up my missed work. I was sitting at the
top of my class, in my field. Even as a student, I was winning awards,
in competition with professionals.
Now, you need to understand
that while I was attending college and excelling, ran my own business,
and had many close friends, I was extremely shy. My transcripts actually
had me listed as severely reticent. I was very slow to get to know
people and rarely spoke to anyone unless was forced to, or already knew
them. The classes I was taking has to do administration and city
planning, plus programming for children. Children were the only people I
ever felt comfortable with.
Well, back to the story. The
computer printout held one enormous surprise for me. I was registered
for a Theatre class...a class were I would be required to perform in
front of real live people. I was horrified! I could not even ask a
question in class, how was I going to get on a stage in front of people?
My husband was his usual very calm and sensible self. He suggested that
I talk to the teacher, explain the problem, and arrange to paint
scenery or sew costumes. The teacher agreed to try and find a way to
help me out. So I went to class the following Tuesday.
When I
entered the classroom, I received my second shock. The class was full of
'Arabs' and 'camel jockeys'. Well, I had never seen one but I had heard
of them.
There was no way I was going to sit in a room full of
dirty heathens! After all, you could catch some dreadful disease from
those people. Everyone knew they were dirty, not to be trusted either. I
shut the door and went home. (Now, there is one little thing you should
know. I had on a pair of leather hot pants, a halter top, and a glass
of wine in my hands...but they were the bad ones in my mind.)
When I told my husband about the Arabs in the class and that there was
no way I was going back, he responded in his usual calm way. He reminded
that I was always claiming that God had a reason for everything and
maybe I should spend some time thinking about it before I made my final
decision. He also reminded me that I had a scholars award that was
paying my tuition and if I wanted to keep it, I would have to maintain
my G.P.A.. Three credit hours or 'F' would have destroyed my chances.
For the next two days, I prayed for guidance. On Thursday I went back
to the class convinced that God had put me there to save those poor
ignorant heathens from the fires of hell.
I proceeded to
explain to them how they would burn in the fires of hell for all
eternity, if they did not accept Jesus as their personal savior. They
were very polite, but did not convert. Then, I explained how Jesus loved
them and had died on the cross to save them from their sins. All they
had to do was accept him into their hearts. They were very polite, but
still did not convert. So, I decided to read their own book to show them
that Islam was a false religion and Mohammed was a false God.
One of the students gave me a copy of the Qur'an and another book about
Islam, and I proceeded with my research. I was sure I would find the
evidence I needed very quickly. Well, I read the Qur'an and the other
book. Then I read another 15 books, Sahih Muslim and returned to the
Qur'an. I was determined I would convert them! My studies continued for
the next one and half years.
During that time, I started having
a few problems with my husband. I was changing, just in little ways but
enough to bother him. We used to go to the bar every Friday and
Saturday, or to a party, and I no longer wanted to go. I was quieter and
more distant. He was sure I was having an affair, so he kicked me out. I
moved into an apartment with my children and continued my determined
efforts to convert the Muslims to Christianity.
The, one day,
there was a knock on my door. I opened the door and saw a man in a long
white night gown with a red and white checkered table cloth on his head.
He was accompanied by three men in pajamas. (It was the first time I
had ever seen their cultural dress.) Well, I was more than a little
offended by men showing up at my door in night clothes. What kind of a
woman did they think I was? Had they no pride or dignity? Imagine my
shock when the one wearing the table cloth said he understood I wanted
to be a Muslim! I quickly informed him I did not want to be a Muslim. I
was Christian. However, I did have a few questions. If he had the
time....
His name was Abdul-Aziz Al-Shiek and he made the time.
He was very patient and discussed every question with me. He never made
me feel silly or that a question was stupid. He asked me if I believed
there was only one God and I said yes. Then he asked if I believed
Mohammed was His Messenger. Again I said yes. He told me that I was
already a Muslim!.
I argued that I was Christian, I was just
trying to understand Islam. (Inside I was thinking: I couldn't be a
Muslim! I was American and white! What would my husband say? If I am
Muslim, I will have to divorce my husband. My family would die!)
We continued talking. Later, he explained that attaining knowledge and
understanding of spirituality was a little like climbing a ladder. If
you climb a ladder and try to skip a few rungs, there was danger of
falling. The Shahadah was just the first step on the ladder. Still we
had to talk some more.
Later that afternoon, May 21, 1977 at
Asr', I took Shahadah. However, there were still some things I could not
accept and it was my nature to be completely truthful so i added a
disclaimer. I said: "I bear witness that there is no god but God and
Mohammed is His Messenger" 'but, I will never cover my hair and if my
husband takes another wife, I will castrate him.'
I heard gasps
from the other men in the room, but Abdul Aziz silenced them. Later I
learned that he told the brothers never to discuss those two subjects
with me. He was sure I would come to the correct understanding.
The Shahadah was indeed a solid footing on the ladder to spiritual
knowledge and closeness to God. but it has been a slow climb. Abdul Aziz
continued to visit me and answer my questions. May Allah reward him for
his patience and tolerance. He never admonished me or acted like a
question was stupid or silly. He treated each question with dignity and
told me that the only stupid question was the one never asked. Hmmm...my
grandmother used to say that.
He explained that Allah ahd told
us to seek knowledge and questions were one of the ways to accomplish
that. When he explained something, it was like watching a rose open -
petal by petal, until it reached its full glory. When I told him that I
did not agree with something and why, he always said I was correct up to
a point. The he would show me how to look deeper and from different
directions to reach a fuller understanding. Alhamdulillah!
Over
the years, I had many teachers. Each one special, each one different. I
am thankful for each one of them and the knowledge they gave. Each
teacher helped me to grow and to love Islam more. As my knowledge
increased, the changes in me became more apparent. Within the first
year, I was wearing hijab. I have no idea when I started. It came
naturally, with increased knowledge and understanding. In time I even
came to to a proponent of polygamy. I knew that if Allah had allowed it,
there had to be something good in it.
"Glorify the name of thy
Guardian - Lord Most High, Who hath created, and further, given order
and proportion; Who hath measured, and granted guidance; and Who
bringeth out the (green and lush) pasture, and doth make it (but)
swarthy stubble, By degrees shall We teach thee (The Message), so thou
shalt not forget, except as Allah wills: for He knoweth what is manifest
and what is hidden. And We will make it easy for thee (to follow) the
simple (path)." (Al-A'la 87:1-8)
When I first started to study
Islam, I did not expect to find anything that I needed or wanted in my
personal life. Little did I know that Islam would change my life. No
human could have ever convinced me that I would finally be at peace and
overflowing with love and joy because of Islam.
This book spoke
of THE ONE GOD, THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE. It described the beautiful
way in which He had organised the world. This wondrous Qur'an had all
the answers. Allah is The Loving! Allah is the Source of Peace! Allah is
the Protector! Allah is the Forgiver! Allah is the Provider! Allah is
the maintainer! Allah is the Generous One! Allah is the Responsive!
Allah is the Protecting Friend! Allah is the Expander!
"Have we
not expanded thee thy breast? And removed from thee thy burden the
which did gall thy back? And raised high the esteem (in which) thou (art
held)? So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief: Verily, with
every difficulty there is relief!" (Al-Ishirah, 94: 1-6)
The
Qur'an addressed all the issues of existence and showed a clear path to
success. It was like a map forgiving, an owner manual for life!
How Islam changed my Life
"How much more we love the light...If once we lived in Darkness."
When I first embraced Islam, I really did not think it was going to
affect my life very much. Islam did not just affect my life. It totally
changed it.
Family life: My husband and I loved each other very
deeply. That love for each other still exists. Still, when I started
studying Islam, we started having some difficulties. He saw me changing
and did not understand what was happening. Neither did I. But then, I
did not even realise I was changing. He decided that the only thing that
could make me change was another man. There was no way to make him
understand what was changing me because I did not know.
After I
realised that I was a Muslim, it did not help matters. After all...the
only reason a woman changes something as fundamental as her religion is
another man. He could not find evidence of this other man...but he had
to exist. We ended up in a very ugly divorce. The courts determined that
the unorthodox religion would be detrimental to the development of my
children. So they were removed from my custody.
During the
divorce, there was a time when I was told I could make a choice. I could
renounce this religion and leave with my children, or renounce my
children and leave with my religion. I was in shock. To me this was not a
possible choice. If I renounce my Islam....I would be teaching my
children how to be deceptive. For there was no way to deny what was in
my heart. I could not deny Allah, not then, not ever. I prayed like I
had never prayed before. After the thirty minutes was up, I knew that
there was no safer place for my children to be than in the hands of
Allah. If I denied him, there would be no way in the future to show my
children the wonders of being with Allah. The courts were told that I
would leave my children in the hands of Allah. This was not a rejection
of my children!
I left the courts knowing that life without my
babies would be very difficult. My heart bled, even though I knew,
inside, I had done the right thing. I found solace in Ayat-Ul-Khursi.
"Allah! There is no god but He - the Living, the Self-subsisting,
Supporter of all. No slumber can seize him nor sleep. His are all things
in the heavens and on earth. Who is there can intercede in His presence
except as He permitteth? He knoweth what (appeareth to His creatures
as) Before or After or Behind them. Nor shall they compass aught of His
knowledge except as He willeth. His Throne doth extend over the heavens
and the earth, and he feeleth no fatigue in guarding and preserving them
for He is Most High, The Supreme (in Glory)." (Al-Baqarah, 2:255)
This also got me started looking at all the attributes of Allah and discovering the beauty of each one.
Child custody and divorce were not the only problems I was to face. The
rest of my family was not very accepting of my choice either. Most of
the family refused to have anything to do with me. My mother was of the
belief that it was just a phase and I would grow out of it. My sister,
the 'mental health expert' was sure I had simply lost my mind and should
be institutionalised. My father believed I should be killed before
placed myself deeper in Hell. Suddenly I found myself with no husband
and no family. What would be next?
Friends: Most of my friends
drifted away during that first year. I was no fun anymore. I did not
want to go to parties or bars. I was not interested in finding a
boyfriend. All I ever did was read that 'stupid' book (the Qur'an) and
talk about Islam. What a bore. I still did not have enough knowledge to
help them understand why Islam was so beautiful.
Employment: My
job was next to go. While I had won just about every award there was in
my field and was recognised as a serious trend setter and money maker,
the day I put on hijab, was the end of my job. Now I was without a
family, without friends and without a job.
In all this, the
first light was my grandmother. She approved of my choice and joined me.
What a surprise! I always knew she had alot of wisdom, but this! She
died soon after that. When I stop to think about it, I almost get
jealous. The day she pronounced Shahadah, all her misdeeds had been
erased, while her good deeds were preserved. She died so soon after
accepting Islam that I knew her 'BOOK' was bound to be heavy on the good
side. It fills me with such joy!
As my knowledge grew and I
was better able to answer questions, many things changed. But, it was
the changes made in me as a person that had the greatest impact. A few
years after I went public with my Islam, my mother called me and said
she did not know what this 'Islam thing' was, but she hoped I would stay
with it. She liked what it was doing for me. A couple of years after
that she called again and asked what a person had to do to be a Muslim. I
told her that all person had to do was know that there was only ONE God
and Mohammed was His Messenger. Her response was: "Any fool knows that.
But what do you have to do?" I repeated the same information and she
said: "Well...OK. But let's not tell your father just yet."
Little did she know that he had gone through the same conversation a few
weeks before that. My real father (the one who thought I should be
killed) had done it almost two months earlier. Then, my sister, the
mental health person, she told me that I was the most 'liberated' person
she knew. Coming from her that was the greatest compliment I could have
received.
Rather than try to tell you about how each person
came to accept Islam, let me simply say that more members of my family
continue to find Islam every year. I was especially happy when a dear
friends, Brother Qaiser Imam, told me that my ex-husband took Shahdah.
When Brother Qaiser asked him why, he said it was because he had been
watching me for 16 years and he wanted his daughter to have what I had.
He came and asked me to forgive him for all he had done. I had forgiven
him long before that.
Now my oldest son, Whittney, has called,
as I am writing this book, and announced that he also wants to become
Muslim. He plans on taking the Shahadah as the ISNA Convention in a
couple of weeks. For now, he is learning as much as he can. Allah is The
Most Merciful.
Over the years, I have come to be known for my
talks on Islam, and many listeners have chosen to be Muslim. My inner
peace has continued to increase with my knowledge and confidence in the
Wisdom of Allah. I know that Allah is not only my Creator but, my
dearest friend. I know that Allah will always be there and will never
reject me. For every step I take toward Allah, He takes 10 toward me.
What a wonderful knowledge.
True, Allah has tested me, as was
promised, and rewarded me far beyond what I could ever have hoped for. A
few years ago, the doctors told me I had cancer and it was terminal.
They explained that there was no cure, it was too far advanced, and
proceeded to help prepare me for my death by explaining how the disease
would progress. I had maybe one year left to live. I was concerned about
my children, especially my youngest. Who would take care of him? Still I
was not depressed. We must all die. I was confident that the pain I was
experiencing contained Blessings.
I remembered a good friend,
Kareem Al-Misawi, who died of cancer when he was still in his 20's.
Shortly before he died, he told me that Allah was truly Merciful. This
man was in unbelievable anguish and radiating with Allah's love. He
said: "Allah intends that I should enter heaven with a clean book." His
death experience gave me something to think about. He taught me of
Allah's love and mercy. This was something no one else had ever really
discussed. Allah's love!
I did not take me long to start being
aware of His blessings. Friends who loved me came out of nowhere. I was
given the gift of making Hag. Even more importantly, I learned how very
important it was for me to share the Truth of Islam with everyone. It
did not matter if people, Muslim or not, agreed with me or even liked
me. The only approval I needed was from Allah. The only love I needed
was from Allah. Yet, I discovered more and more people, who for no
apparent reason, loved me. I rejoiced, for I remembered reading that if
Allah loves you, He causes others to love you. I am not worthy of all
the love. That means it must be another gift from Allah. Allah is the
Greatest!
There is no way to fully explain how my life changed.
Alhamdulillah! I am so very glad that I am a Muslim. Islam is my life.
Islam is the beat of my heart. Islam is the blood that courses through
my veins. Islam is my strength. Islam is my life so wonderful and
beautiful. Without Islam, I am nothing and should Allah ever turn His
magnificent face from me I could not survive.
"O Allah! let my
heart have light, and my sight have light, and my hearing (senses) have
light, and let me have light on my right, and let me have light on my
left, and let me have light above me, and have light under me, and have
light in front of me, and have light behind me; and let me have light."
(Bukhari, vol. 8. pp. 221, #329)
"Oh my Lord! Forgive my sins
and my ignorance and my exceeding the limits (boundaries of
righteousness) in all my deeds and what you know better than I. O Allah!
Forgive my mistakes, those done intentionally or out of my ignorance or
(without) or with seriousness, and I confess that all such mistakes are
done by me. Oh Allah! Forgive my sins of the past and of the future
which I did openly or secretly. You are the One who makes the things go
before, and You are the One who delays them, and You are the
Omnipotent." (Bukhari, vol. , pp. 271, #407)
